Day 14 - my 2nd last single weekend

A lot of lists running through my brains rite now. Wedding-to-do list, mostly.

Tomorrow is the 2nd last weekend. Why am i kicking up such a fuss about it? Its not like i'll be chained down the basement after the wedding. I dont know. Its just that....i've always spent my weekends doing things that i dont plan. That's it, i dont really plan my weekends. I just go with the flow and just DO stuff as i like.

So why the big fuss lah? lalalalalallalalala

ok i'm busted. Sebenarnya trying to get the writing juice flowing. In a deep funk. Havent been writing much. Havent been thinking much either. lalalalallalalala

Really, i dont have any idea how I'll do as a wife. I hope to be at my best(isn't it eerie how if you put "a" into best, it'll turn in to BEAST?), to give my best.

Marriage is going to change me. Definitely.

A dear friend of mine, sometime this month, told me,
"dont change, stay the zaza i know"

But how? I've always thought of change as inevitable. Everything changes. The world changes. People changes. Call it evolution. Call it being more mature, or whatever. But it is inevitable, isn't it? Its how we manage the change, how we adapt to it.

The super question is - Will he love the changed version of me?

I remember a forwarded quote in an email long time ago. It goes something like this - Men marry with the expectation that the wife would never change; while women marry to change the man.

HHAHA.

I dont know yet how married life is going to change me. I dont know what to expect, living under the same roof and sleeping in one bed with a man. I've been on my own for so long, having the whole house to me alone and I've had my own room like since forever so how is it going to be when I have to share say, my wardrobe for instance? Where am i going to make space for HIS stuff? My clothes barely breathe among each other and my current wardrobe is close to exploding, hence i've moved it to the second room (konon2 walk-in wardrobe). Dont even start on my shoes. Is he going to freak out when he discovers how many shoes i own? Or that how is he going to react to my need for more shoes. Now that we're moving into a new house i did kind of pestered him about how important a built-in wardrobe is but i dont know, maybe he does not see the gravity of the situation yet, not until he sees my clothes - and how i need to have them stacked by the same color and according to tone and folded the same size. I did spend this one night not sleeping, looking at the second room in my current home and imagining having to share the same wardrobe space, thinking of the solution on how to squeeze HIS stuff amongst mine.

And how about sharing his bed? I've had my own room since i was 7 or 8. When we go back to the kampung for raya I'd always chose to sleep on the couch rather than tido ramai2 on that glorious tilam kekabu made by grandma. Bukan sebab sombong, its just that i just cant sleep with somebody breathing to my ears beside me (come to think of it, better breathing la kan dari benda2 lain. huhuhu). When me and girlfriends opted to stay on our own i've kind of had my own room because nobody wants to stay in the room at the back sebab takut hantu la apa la which is fine to me, because I've always known i like to have my own private space. I know right now i feel that his arms are made to accomodate the shape of my head. Like carved or tekap ngan sabun gitu. (I like. Heee..:p) But can HE get accustomed to me sleeping on his arms? Speaking of private space how do i create my own private space after marriage or or do i have to create one in my HEAD only or do i have to forgo it altogether?

I'm going into this marriage not with expectations of roses blooming every inch of the way. I know. Everyone wishes for a happy ending. To me, marriage is not THE happy ending, its just a happy ending of that phase of my life where I searched for love. And then the next phase of my life(or our lives) starts. How do we keep that love? How do we nurture it? I do pray & wish for bliss, happiness that I've found my missing piece of the puzzle, the feeling that i am Whole. Complete. But on daily, worldly matters i know there's bound to be some bumps la kan, accomodations have to be made. For mine AND his needs. I dont think it comes naturally, i think it involves some hard work since we both have that quite strong personalities. I just hope along the way, in the process, we would be patient enough with each other to still remember that I am made for him, and he, for me. Everybody is flawed in some ways because no one single human being is perfect.

I guess its the deep cynic in me speaking. On the other hand Miss Jiwang inside me doesnt really help me in this situation by feeling scared shitless because its my whole life, my whole future, my whole heart is at stake. If he leaves me then I'd surely crumble. Its a whole new ballgame. Being ditched when you're just in a relationship is okay, i guess. We're bound to bounce back eventhough we sink to the bottommest (got such a word ah?) sediment in the ocean. But after marriage? After i've given EVERYTHING, after making him and our family the mecca of all decisions? Seriously, if he leaves me i think i'd just prefer to die. When he first came into my life i'm just a merely gam-kanji-ed put together soul, if he leaves it would all be.......god, i'm already crumbling at the thought of it. Dont entertain those thoughts, that's what he would say. I think its easy for him. He's always so sure of things. And i'm like, always so scared of things. He always knows what he wants of anything and everything. And i'm like, erm, okay, lets go with this or that. He's always showing me that he loves me, and i'm like, i dont know if i've ever shown him what he expects me to show. But I do know what i want - i want him in my life. For my life, for life.

Like i said, i'll pray hard, that along the way we would be patient enough with each other, steadfast with our love. I might not be the perfect woman, but i do hope i can be enough for him.

lalalalalalallallalaa....pop pop..lalalalalalallalala

Heh...i'm SURE every bride to be have something similar for jitters. I'm pretty sure of that. Or do they really? Erm, what if they dont and its just me? If its just me, that is what i'm feeling right? Is it right to be so much in love and have so much hope but in the same time feeling so fucking scared?


Maybe i should just listen to Peter Grant tonight and float away.


Heh.

Escapism. What a gift.

India Arie - Can I Walk With You

I woke up this morning you were the first thing on my mind
I don't know where it came from all I know is I need you in my life
You make me feel like I can be a better woman
If you just say you wanna take this friendship to another place

Can I walk with you through your life
Can I lay with you as your wife
Can I be your friend till the end
Can I walk with you through your life

You've got me wondering if you know that I am wondering about you
The feeling is so strong that I can't imagine you're not feeling it too
You've known me long enough to trust that I want what's best for you
If you wanna be happy then I am the one that you should give your heart to

Now everyday ain't gonna be, like the summer's day
Being in love for real it ain't like a movie screen
But I can tell you all the drama aside you and I can find what the worlds been
looking for forever friendship and love together

Can I walk with you through your life till the day that the world stops turning
Can I walk with you till the day that my heart stops beating
Can I walk with you through your life
Can I walk with you till the end that the birds no longer take flight till the
moon is underwater

This is the moment I've been waiting for
Can I walk with you

You are everything I've been looking for
Can I walk with you

Creative intellectual
Can I walk with you

Can I walk with you as your wife

another 2 weeks..

hey there.

It's another 2 weeks until i'm officially NOT-SINGLE. I'll be banished from the singleton kingdom. I guess i'll be barred from doing lots of singleton activities too (sob, sob!)

This is the blog i'll use to narrate my journey. Not my other blog coz somehow now diaryland sucks-ass (no pun intended).

I'll try to at least write in a bit everyday. I'll have (actually, paksa) people involved to write too! Warning to my baby, bridesmaid and best men: beware! hahaha.

gotta fix the layout though.